A Mother's Prayer...

I am no poet....though I do turn to poetry occasionally to express feelings that regular words and syntax don't do justice to.

One night recently, I was sat in the children's room just after they'd dropped off to sleep. I was holding Isaac's hand and Olivia was in my arms.
It had been a difficult evening and I was feeling tired, and a little isolated. Isaac had just said the most beautiful prayer, and I felt impressed to spend some time saying my own, whilst bathing in the blissful silence around me. As I allowed myself to fill up with all sorts of emotions, this poem sprang to life inside my head....

A Mother's Prayer Father, I hope you do not mind if I say a prayer to you, Although I'm grown, I'm still your child and I need blessings too. Help me to be patient, and help me to be kind. Let hope replace my anguish, and your peace fill my mind. Help me to feel brave, when all it seems I do, Is nothing more adventurous than laundry piles anew. Help me to feel learned, when all the things I say, Are ABCs and 123s each and every day. Help me to feel beautiful and hold my head up high, When my messy hair and grubby clothes make me want to cry! Help me not to feel alone, although I sometimes am. Let me feel your love for me, and my part in your plan.
Help me to remember every laugh and every smile. Let me catch the joy I'm feeling, and hold it for a while. Because sometimes, when the day goes wrong (as it very often does) I need help to remember all the small things that I love... The lovely, soggy baby kiss, the fun things that they say, The new things that they learn to do each and every day. The faithful prayers they utter, the sweet hugs that they give... Yes, these tender mercies Lord, teach me how to live. Father, I hope you do not mind if I give thanks to you. Although I'm grown, I'm still your child - you give me blessings too. Thank you for my children, and thank you for this chance, For motherhood as shown me heaven, though only at a glance. And though I don't feel beautiful with yoghurt in my hair, My son calls me 'gorgeous' and strokes my face with care. And though it's sometimes hard when only simple things I say, I see it now, that this is how my child learns to pray. Help me to remember this if I lose my way again. I thank thee, Lord and give my love, in thy Son's name, Amen.

Rainy Days...

Rainy days sort of fill me with dread. My son is a very active little boy and would love to spend all day at the park, but when we're home, he often wants to sit and watch something and it can be difficult to think of new and exciting things to do. So. When I see squalls of rain outside, my first thought is "what on earth are we going to do today?"

Today was one of those days. The answer, came as if by magic. Salt Dough. I have never made it before in my life, and I have never even pursued the possibility. I don't know what made me think of it today, but I did. At first, I thought of it only as a play doh substitute. It was only when I found a suitable recipe that I was reminded that you can MAKE things with it and bake it! Isaac was absolutely and completely made up about the idea of making something with play doh and then painting it....like two hobbies in one!

Salt dough, traditionally, is something that's baked in the oven, and can often take a long while. This recipe suggests cooking it in the microwave (read it here). I was thrilled. As a Mum, I'm pretty spontaneous. If I have an idea of something to do, I like to do it immediately. I don't like waiting for another day, and I don't like doing something that doesn't have instant results...like salt dough. Perhaps that's because I know Isaac would lose interest! So this recipe suited me down to the ground! It LITERALLY took me 3 minutes to make and we had ages worth of fun.

Recipe

1/2 Cup Salt
1/2 Cup Water
1 Cup Flour

Mix it all together. I needed all the water, but you might not. It should be quite a dry dough, so if yours is too wet, add more flour.

I equipped Isaac with a suitable knife, some cookie cutters, and a rolling pin.

Isaac is incredibly excited for Christmas....for Christmas trees, presents, songs, and Santa Claus (or Clawhauser if he's getting confused with Zootropolis), so we made some tree decorations with cookie cutters and used a chop stick (of which we have plenty- my husband lived in Japan for 2 years) to make the hole in the top.

After we made those, I was inspired by Isaac pressing his hand into the dough and decided to do some hand print ones. I'm delighted with how they turned out!

To make them, I...
-flattened out a ball of dough until it was about 1cm thick.
- Pressed their hands into the dough to make a print, focusing on each individual finger, then their palms.
-Then I used a pen to draw the outline of their hands into the dough
-I then wrote their name, age and the year.

I was initially concerned with how the details would be preserved on cooking but I needn't have been. They looked exactly the same!

Before...

After!

I cooked mine in 30 second increments. The original blog suggests a cooking time of 3 mins in total in 10 second increments. Mine needed a shade longer than 3 mins, and I turned my dough pieces over once to make sure they were cooked through.

Some of my snowmen bloated a little, so they'll be quite fragile, and part of Isaac's hand print burnt but other than that, this worked wonderfully.

My next salt dough project will be a little nativity. I can't wait!!

See Rainy Days Part II for my "Painting Bath" idea...coming very, very soon!

Sanctuary.

It's been a while since I've blogged, but Paw Patrol is on, so now is the perfect time.

The title of this post reminded me of that one time I asked to be directed to the Sanctuary products in Boots, and the lady took me to the sanitary products....

Anyway.

It's a different Sanctuary I'm talking about today.  I went to sleep last night holding my husband's hand, while he sat up and listened to live updates from the US general election. When we woke this morning, we heard the news about Donald Trump. I couldn't quite get over the image in my mind of this man, who, only a couple of weeks ago, was defending his "locker room banter", and now is in the White House. I cannot imagine what the next 4 years is going to bring to us. I feel like there's a lot of uncertainty about the future and about the way the world is going. It is scary. We all talk about wanting our world to be a better place for our children to grow up in and it's easy to fear that world, especially with all the political surprises we've had recently.

But, here's what I learnt this morning.

This morning, Isaac and I were setting up his train track in his room. We were having so much fun, we didn't want to go downstairs, so we had a breakfast picnic of crumpets, brioche and grapes.

Then we build a pirate ship den out of pillows and duvets. As I was cuddling Olivia and we were watching Isaac play, I realised that, for my children, it doesn't really matter who's the President of the United States. It doesn't even really matter who Theresa May is, or when Brexit will happen. All that matters to them is that THEIR world is happy. When we worry about making our children's world a better one, we shouldn't be worrying about the world out there. We should be worrying about the world in here. The world they sleep in, wake in, eat in and play in. If the politics of our home are honest and fair, we don't need to worry.
If the co-president of my home and I treat each other with love and respect, we don't need to worry.

Yesterday, my husband rescued me from a stressful shopping experience

 with my 2.5 year old son. During the Daddy-Son debrief, I heard Ieuan say "Isaac, look at Mummy. She is the most special person in the world. You must treat her like a princess."

My husband is this wonderful to me because his father is the same way with his mother.


 Leading by example really works.
If you don't ever want a world leader who objectifies and disrespects women, then don't be a home leader like that. The way we raise our little ones directly impacts the world around us, and our future.


We don't need to worry. For our children, right now, the state of our homes is all that matters. Have hope and take courage. Build a Sanctuary full of fun times, good food, fair discipline, love, light, laughter and plenty of kisses and cuddles. That's all the world they need right now.

"Your success as a family, our success as a society, depends not on what happens in the White House, but what happens in your house." Barbara Bush

"...Ye have done it unto me." Matthew 25:40

There is something that I have been thinking about for a couple of weeks now, and that is how much love I have felt from those around me, and the effect it has had on me, my sense of self and my feelings towards others. I've allowed my situation to be a sort of study that I am learning from all the time.

Doing things for other people, I think, is one of the most important reasons to be alive. It is the most powerful tool for expressing and receiving love, building relationships and letting joy into your life. It's a principle I was taught as a child, nurtured through my life and is something that is now very important to me.

On Sunday, during a lesson, I was reminded of an experience Ieuan and I had at Christmas time whilst on a date to the Bath Christmas markets. We bought a hotdog for a homeless man we saw sitting outside in the rain. He wasn't able to eat it due to severe health problems, but told us he had a friend who would be really grateful. As we were leaving he said "God Bless". Ieuan and I reflected on the fact that any time we've done anything like that, it's been met with the very same response, regardless of where we have been, who we've been talking to. The response is the same. "God Bless". I thought that perhaps it was a sweet reminder from above of WHO else we are showing love to when we perform small acts of kindness.

In the Bible, Jesus taught his disciples that when they served even the lowest in society, they were serving him.

Over the last two weeks particularly, I have been on the receiving end of the most tender, thoughtful kindness I have ever experienced. First it came at the hands of my family...my Dad who drove all the way down to Trowbridge to pick me up for the week. My Mum who ran around and looked after Isaac, cooked my favourite meals, got up in the night, got up with Isaac in the morning...... My brother and sister, with their unfailing energy and love for Isaac, playing with him and making him happy constantly. And then, my precious sister Jessica, who is always there for me, always making me feel special and empowered. I am not joking when I say she spent 2 or 3 evenings sitting on the floor either massaging or shaving my legs, massaging my feet, painting my toenails, rubbing my back, massaging my bump... she was so willing to do whatever would bring me relief and comfort. And then, the night I was away, she  put my son to bed and slept beside him (and underneath him at times) so he wouldn't be alone.

It was during this time that I began to feel like my life was changing because of this kindness. I felt humbled in one sense and tremendously important in another sense. I felt a strong desire to do all I could for the people around me and to be more observant to their needs. I learnt how to say yes to help, rather than be reluctant to accept it, and I am learning how to deal with an awesome feeling of gratitude that I am finding very difficult to express adequately.

At the weekend, I ended up spending a night in hospital because we thought the baby was coming and the doctors advised me to call my husband, who was in the middle of his final year project. He dropped everything to come up. In his own words he said "You are my number one priority and you need me. I'll be there." You may think that, as he is my husband, you'd expect nothing less, but I felt so full of gratitude. He works so hard and the work he is doing is very important and has significant, long-term implications. Coming up to be with me in a hospital 4 hours away even though HE KNEW I might not actually be in labour was a tremendous sacrifice for him, and I was very touched that he felt as strongly about it as he did. He didn't make that choice because he knew that's what was expected of him. He didn't make that choice because he thought he might get a bit of extra time on the project due to mitigating circumstances. He made that decision out of love, compassion, loyalty and a strong sense of duty towards me.

Now, it is 2 weeks until our baby is due to arrive by C Section. I don't know that I will make it to that date, but in the interim, my friends in Trowbridge have me well looked after until my Mum arrives in 10 days or so. I have had friends come and take Isaac out for me, as that's something I struggle to do. That beached whale feeling really stops me in my tracks sometimes and makes it hard to be the Mum I want to be for my son. It's hard to allow other people in to do those things for you. It's hard to accept that your son is more excited to be at someone else's house than your own, but it's also wonderful to see him have such a wonderful time with friends. They are giving Isaac the kind of energy and fun that I can't give him right now and that is so, so kind.

I also had a friend who texted to say she was sending her husband around to collect our laundry, so I didn't have to worry about doing that on top of everything else. "Give him everything" the message said. As I read those words, tears welled up in my eyes. It felt like arms reaching out and hugging me. Here were my friends, good people with busy lives and children of their own collecting ALL my dirty laundry to easy MY burdens. THAT is humbling. It's hard to feel deserving of that. But it's not hard to feel a tremendous sense of gratitude. This sense increased and began to make my heart full to bursting later on in the evening when meals arrived for us, and a rota was set up for next week full of dear friends who were signing up to take Isaac out or make us dinner, so Ieuan can work and I can rest.
  I feet incredibly humbled by it...a feeling that so many are doing so much for little me over here. Gratitude is a funny thing. I feel utterly restricted by the words in our vernacular- like no combination of words could ever express to these precious friends how much I love them, or how grateful I am to them.
In my introspections on this subject, something I have felt very keenly is not only the love of my dear friends, but also the love of my Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ, who, of course, spent his life giving to others, washing feet, drying tears, lifting spirits, healing heartache.
How powerful it is to be the instrument through which other people can feel the love that God has for THEM.  I will never forget what they have done for me, or how loved they have made me feel. I will also never forget the love I feel from above.

"Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these...ye have done it unto me." Matt 25:40

Motherhood Truth #6 Somehow, you just DO.

I've not blogged much recently...must be something to do with the enormous baby I'm growing and the enormous cheeky monkey I'm chasing around each day. My life has been full and rich. and it's given me plenty to write about.

When I was pregnant with Isaac, I suffered with a life threatening emergency when I was about 24 weeks pregnant. It was a really challenging time and for the rest of the pregnancy, I was very tired and I think my body was too. Despite this, I loved being pregnant. I had a big all-out-in-front bump, and I felt beautiful.

This time around, I was surprised by how well I could feel!! HOWEVER. I had not bargained for the challenge of running around after a busy little 2 yr old fireman/helicopter pilot/sailor/builder all day.
Whilst my health is tip top this time around, my body is struggling a little more. I have something called SPD. It affects the joints in your pelvis. For me, the area most effected is the joints in the base of my back. It makes everything hard. Even just 30 seconds bent over to do up Isaac's straps in the pram will make my entire day painful. Things have improved a lot over the last couple of days with crutches and stronger painkillers. This complete and absolute necessity to slow down has made me take a hard look at my day to day life,
Here's what I think.

I am incredible.

Mums are incredible.

Before I had crutches, I hobbled around everyday, doing everything I usually do, but in a lot of pain. Now I have something I can use for support, I think to myself "How on earth did I do it." The answer? Sometimes you just DO. We might not like it, but we do it. That's healthy, I think.

Motherhood is the most intense experience of my life. I feel like I've got my fingers in a million pies. My head is constantly on the go. It's not just thinking about dinner, or the washing, it's thinking about the baby, it's thinking about what book to read to Isaac today, how much Fireman Sam he can watch, what on earth we can do about his little tantrums...it's thinking about how much I love him, how I can be a better mother, what I can do to help my Husband with his work.....and, if I'm lucky, it's planning a time when I can put on some make-up...
The demands on our thoughts are never ending, let alone our physical commitments, and any physical/emotional challenges we are facing.

How do we do it. Sometimes, we just DO. It goes against all logic! But we have to, and I think it's pretty cool.

When Isaac injured his finger last year, I was at the hospital every other day getting his dressings changed. I was at the big hospital every other week about his fractured leg. I was also dealing with morning sickness. You know, I had moments during that month where I felt like the worst mother ever. I also had moments where I felt like a superhero. I look back now and I think "How did I do it?" Well, you can see where this is going.

I believe God allows our lives to be hard sometimes, because he loves us. Because, whilst he hurts when we hurt, he must be overjoyed when we triumph, and thrilled when we turn to him for help. Imagine how he feels when we realise just how amazing we are- how capable we are.

My findings on this particular motherhood truth have made me realise that maybe we just DO because maybe, just maybe, we just ARE.

We ARE amazing.

 Nothing has taught me that more than being a mother and a wife, and feeling so much love for Isaac and Ieuan, and feeling so much love from them. When I do something that makes Isaac happy, or that he loves, he'll just up and kiss me. And I feel special. I feel like a good Mummy. (see below, our cinema trip on Saturday morning.... the "Uuuuuuuuge television" was a Uuuuuuuge hit)

 I know I am a child of God. I'm grateful that he has given me qualities that help me to cope at difficult times...because those difficult times help me to realise just how special I am.

Motherhood Truth #5: What's the worst that can happen??

When I was younger and approached with a difficult situation, my Dad would often say to me, "What's the worst that can happen?" I remember that, sometimes, the answer was actually quite bad... things like "No one will ever speak to me again" or "she'll hate me" or "I'll fail the assignment" etc. And then my Dad would say "And?" like it was no big deal. It made me realise the truth in the statement "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger". Sometimes, I never had to deal with my worst case scenarios. Sometimes, I did. And you know what? I'm still here. I have survived.

Even now, when I face difficult things, I will always say to myself, "what's the worst that can happen?" when I identify the awful possibilities, I shrug and know that I can deal with anything if I put my mind to it. 

In parenting, you get a huge amount of advice. Much of it comes from people who have done it before, and so it comes from, often, very useful experience. However, I have learnt that the only experience that really matters is your own. We have a situation with Isaac at the moment in that, often, he asks to come into bed with us in the early hours of the morning. Ieuan usually gets up to him and Isaac usually ends up in our bed. We try to keep him in his cot, but he just cannot get off to sleep and so either we sit in his room with him, or he comes into bed with us. Hmmm.... Being uncomfortable and awake, or cosy with cuddles. It seems like a no brainer to me. But all the advice you read says "whatever you do, do not let your child sleep in your bed!" This is what comes into my mind when I have that 3am emotional wrestle. To be honest, I kind of resent that the voice in my head at that time of the morning is some authoritative figure like Gina Ford or something, telling me what to do!! I actually don't always enjoy having Isaac in bed with us. He is a hair-player, and having his cute little fingies combing through my hair is, at times, intolerable. But most of the time, he comes into our bed and he'll roll over towards either Ieuan or I and flop his arm across our necks and play with our hair, or stroke our face, and almost always, he showers us with sleepy kisses.

 I feel so sad to think that if I approached parenting in a clinical kind of way, and outlawed our bedroom, I would never have moments like this to reflect on. And so it brings me to my favourite question. What's the worst that can happen??? So, he comes into our bed sometimes. So he enjoys cuddles with us. So Ieuan and I can only might only manage to hold hands under Isaac's legs. So my hair might get tangled. So Isaac might always enjoy cuddles in bed with us. 

AND?????

Will anyone die because of this? No. Will anyone be permanently adversely affected? No. 

So, in actual fact, the worst things that could happen aren't actually that bad. I think I'd much rather have a child that just couldn't resist cuddles with mummy and daddy, than a child who was a real pro at sleeping through the night, you know?

I once read an article about how to keep the spark alive in your marriage once children came along. It condemned people who allow children into their bedroom, let alone into their bed. It counselled that your bedroom should be a sacrosanct place. Children should never feel like they can spend time in there with you. It also mentioned that when you are alone with your spouse, you should make a concerted effort to not talk about your children with them. Taking the last example, let's apply the question. What's the worst that can happen?? So you hardly ever talk about anything but the children you both made and love to death. So your time together is spent saying "Isaac would love that!"

Do you know WHY that happens? It's because your child is a part of the both of you. 

Ieuan and I went away in the summer for the weekend, leaving Isaac with his Grandma and Grandad. It was the first time we'd done it and I had all sorts of inner crises going on. We had a wonderful weekend together. We talked about all sorts, but I don't mind telling you that the thing we talked about the most was Isaac. We love him more than I can tell you and we love talking about him. We love telling each other about things he's done that the other might not know about. We often spend a bit of time in the evenings after he's gone to bed, looking at the pictures we've taken that day, or pictures taken ages ago. We love talking about what we love about him, how we can help him, what we can do to encourage him etc. We. Love. Isaac. So, it seems only natural to me that talking about him alot will happen. What seems bizarre to me is the feeling that in doing so, we are somehow losing the spark in our marriage. I don't mind telling you that there is plenty of spark, and I honestly, truly believe it is because our love for our son, has increased our love for each other.

I was talking about this with a friend of mine recently and he said that a lot of the time, articles seem to suggest that somehow marriage and children are two separate things, and that in order to make a success of either, you should keep them separate, but, in my experience, that isn't the case, and when I imagine taking that stance, it makes me want to cry. 

So, my motherhood truth is this. If the worst that can happen is not that bad, then do not stress. There's lots of wonderful advice and counsel. Only listen to it if there's something in your life that you want to change. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. What ain't broke to you, may well seem dysfunctional to other people, and that's ok, but you aren't parenting 'other people'. You are the mother or father of your own child. If it works, and you don't mind it that way, then don't worry. I like asking myself "what's the worst that can happen?" It helps me to adjust my perspective. I'm grateful that I had parents who didn't mind me coming in for cuddles after a bad dream. I love the memories I have of piling into my parents bed with my siblings. 

When you look to outlaw a behaviour from your life, think about the ripple effects it might leave...you might find that you miss it, and the reason for might be that the worst that could happen really wasn't that bad after all.

Motherhood Truth #4 Victories and Heart Attacks

I recently had my sister come to stay to help me while I worked. One day, whilst I was in the office, she sent me a picture of my sleeping son, and told me how great it felt to have finally managed to get him off to sleep. She said, "Victory! It must feel great being a Mum". Also that week, Isaac showed Jess how he loves to stand with the french doors open to our Juliet balcony, lean against the glass and wave to people who pass by. If you catch the light right, it looks like there isn't glass there at all. And then your stomach lurches, and you have to remind yourself that he is actually very safe. I told Jess then that motherhood is made up of giant victories and little heart attacks.

Since then, I have had so many experiences which have confirmed that to me. It's so true!
SO many times, I feel like being a mother has taken years off my life, as I launch myself here there and everywhere to grab the scissors or break a fall, stop the door from slamming...... you parents out there will know how it is. You find yourself doing 24/7 risk assessments and yet, you still miss things. And there are times when your heart lurch, your stomach churns as you pre-empt or watch, helpless, as catastrophes unfold. Often, I've thought to myself "I'm not cut out for this mothering lark". But then, the heart attacks are somehow outweighed by the tiny but huge victories that motherhood brings.

Over the summer, we stayed with my parent's in law at the same time as my husband's brother and his family. Isaac and Megan got to spend lots of time with each other.

Megan was potty training at the time, and, when Megan did a wee in the potty for the first time at Grandma's house, we all jumped and gave Megan big hugs. Isaac joined in too and was very excited. That reminded me of just how unique and amazing the experience of parenthood is. It may seem strange to be so excited about someone doing a wee in a plastic bowl, yet, it really is SO exciting. It's beautiful to be part of a journey that brings you back to the amazing simplicities of life...how amazing it is to be in a position to teach your child, to nurture them and watch them grow. To us, who use a toilet several times a day, it's no big deal. But, to a child who never has, or who struggles to take that step from nappies to pants, potty to toilet, or cot to bed, or bottle to cup, or dummy to no dummy, or Mumma to Mummy, crawling to walking, smiling to laughing....
it is INCREDIBLE- absolutely incredible.

I feel so blessed to be on this journey with Isaac. He helps me to remember all the tiny things about life that are amazing and SHOULD be celebrated by excited jumps, shrieks and hugs of praise. I'm so grateful that my heart ache over Isaac slipping over on a magazine, slipping in the bath, or grabbing a pair of scissors is eclipsed by my pride as he says his prayers, or says sorry without being asked or, most especially when he comes over to me, pats my leg and says "Mum! Did it! Yay!" to remind me that he's done something that requires some enthusiastic clapping and cheering. I'm always surprised by how genuine my joy is when these things happen. I really, really feel it. It reminds me of just how exquisite motherhood is, and how much I absolutely love it.