Motherhood- The Truth.

When it comes to commentaries on motherhood through social media, we often hear about how important it is to be honest so that people don't get a rose-tinted impression of your life and feel that theirs is inadequate. My Auntie recently wrote a blog post about how she suffered with post-natal depression with her first child, and how amazing things are now with both of her boys. I admire her so much for her courage in addressing something that not many people talk about. Things like that give people confidence to address the challenges in their own life. I also admire her for sharing so much of the good stuff. I feel sometimes that we are encouraged to share the bad because it makes people feel better. But that too can shed an inaccurate light on our lives. We share the negative to bond with others- to make comrades through tribulations. I love that we can do that, and I love the support that that brings. But I want more comrades through 'the exquisite'. I want to bond with people because their POSITIVE experiences of motherhood are similar to mine. I want them to feel a surge of courage when they read that yet another mother has had a fabulous day. Sure, not EVERY day is fabulous for everyone, and not every day has to be. But I believe that there are fabulous moments in EVERY day. We should share those too.

After I had Isaac, my sister, who was serving as a missionary for our church in Utah at the time, told me that she thought I was "Exquisite". I could not have felt less exquisite. I was sore. My tummy was saggy, wrinkled, scarred from months of anti-coagulant injections and felt so bruised from where people had been pounding on it to get Isaac out. I could barely sit down. I could barely walk. I could barely make it to the loo to spend a penny. I was so far from exquisite, I couldn't even see it in my rear view mirror.

But I knew she meant it.

I knew she saw the exquisite in me- somewhere amidst my haggard exterior. So I looked for it too. And found it. And, since then, I have tried to use that exact word to lift others the way it lifted and inspired me. Jessica's ability to see the exquisite through my overwhelmed, battered body inspired me to find the exquisite everywhere.

Motherhood is full of all sorts of things. Ups, downs, highs, lows, peaks troughs....
So I want to share with you some truths that I have found in motherhood. Some real, raw, unfiltered exquisite.

My son is 15 1/2 months old. This has been my favourite stage to date, just like the stage before this and the one before that! But honestly, within the last week or so, I have been amazed by how much I am loving being his mummy. I'm not exaggerating when I tell you that I tell Isaac how much I love him at least every 15 minutes. I can't get enough of him. And the best part is? I can tell he understands.

During my baby blues period in the first week after I had Isaac, one of the crazy things that would make me weep was the thought that I loved him so much but he would probably never understand...and he'd one day become a teenager...and he may say some hurtful things...or be rude....or hate me...and he would never be able to appreciate the love I have for him...and me loving him so much would just leave me open to so, so much pain. That is exactly what went through my head every day for about 2 weeks. I shared this with my friend Bex once, when Isaac was about 6 months old. She told me that she felt quite differently...that children had a way of knowing how you feel about them and how much you love them. I was sceptical...until this week.

This week, I have made a concerted effort to be on the floor with Isaac playing with him. I have been so surprised at the things I have learnt. He can get pretty worked up about things....he's very determined and if he wants the door open so he can wave to people, you will know about it until the door is opened. He's working on his inner patience. Anyway, I have noticed that whenever we have the TV, youtube, music, anything digital one, he is more prone to getting agitated. When it's just us with no other noise or distractions around he simply doesn't.
And there's more.
When there aren't any other distractions, I feel that we connect on a deep emotional level. Isaac is an exceptionally affectionate child. I've never seen his equal. Despite this, he is very busy and sometimes, because of all the things he has to do, you don't always get tender moments of mutual communication. This week, since I've started my "on the floor" experiment, he has carried on his usual list of to-dos. Empty books, pull all DVDs out, carry a ball from the sofa to the door, wave to some friends, bang the ball on the window, play the piano, read a book.....  The one difference is that instead of moaning at me to do things/fetch things for him, he'll come over to me, usually from behind as he's on his way to one of his important jobs, and he'll stretch his little arms around my back, lay his head on me, rub my arms and say "Mmumma." and then give my back a kiss. That one word, said in that context with the extra "M" at the beginning says one very important thing to me.
It says "Mumma, I love you just as much as you love me. Loads."
Each time he does it, I tell him how much I love him and I say a little prayer to thank God for him too. #blessed has never been more appropriate. I also feel very, very humbled that someone as imperfect as me would be allowed to feel so much love from someone as perfect as him.

He's also started coming and sitting on my lap for about a second, and then going off on his rounds. He always says my name when he does this too. I can tell, from his tender actions that he loves me being with him on the floor. He loves having me on the same level as him, so he can come over and cuddle me, or sit on my lap. He doesn't have to raise his voice from "way down there" to get my attention, he can just say my name gently.

The most important thing I have learned is that those exquisite moments happen every single day. The ones I have just written about happen several times a day. They never get old, or boring. I never get used to them. But they also happen on days when he doesn't eat well or he doesn't sleep well, or he pulls clothes off of the hangers in shops, or he screams because he can't play with the card machine...they happen amidst the difficult times. And I am left feeling just as amazing after one of those cuddles on a difficult day, as much as I would do on a fabulous day. Maybe even more so.

I could talk about Isaac all year. Ieuan and I are his biggest fans. I'm so thankful for all he teaches me about what is most important. I'm grateful for how he shows he loves to cuddle. I'm also grateful that he cuddles to show how much he loves. Motherhood raw truth #1.

It. Is. Exquisite.