Even now, when I face difficult things, I will always say to myself, "what's the worst that can happen?" when I identify the awful possibilities, I shrug and know that I can deal with anything if I put my mind to it.
In parenting, you get a huge amount of advice. Much of it comes from people who have done it before, and so it comes from, often, very useful experience. However, I have learnt that the only experience that really matters is your own. We have a situation with Isaac at the moment in that, often, he asks to come into bed with us in the early hours of the morning. Ieuan usually gets up to him and Isaac usually ends up in our bed. We try to keep him in his cot, but he just cannot get off to sleep and so either we sit in his room with him, or he comes into bed with us. Hmmm.... Being uncomfortable and awake, or cosy with cuddles. It seems like a no brainer to me. But all the advice you read says "whatever you do, do not let your child sleep in your bed!" This is what comes into my mind when I have that 3am emotional wrestle. To be honest, I kind of resent that the voice in my head at that time of the morning is some authoritative figure like Gina Ford or something, telling me what to do!! I actually don't always enjoy having Isaac in bed with us. He is a hair-player, and having his cute little fingies combing through my hair is, at times, intolerable. But most of the time, he comes into our bed and he'll roll over towards either Ieuan or I and flop his arm across our necks and play with our hair, or stroke our face, and almost always, he showers us with sleepy kisses.
I feel so sad to think that if I approached parenting in a clinical kind of way, and outlawed our bedroom, I would never have moments like this to reflect on. And so it brings me to my favourite question. What's the worst that can happen??? So, he comes into our bed sometimes. So he enjoys cuddles with us. So Ieuan and I can only might only manage to hold hands under Isaac's legs. So my hair might get tangled. So Isaac might always enjoy cuddles in bed with us.
AND?????
Will anyone die because of this? No. Will anyone be permanently adversely affected? No.
So, in actual fact, the worst things that could happen aren't actually that bad. I think I'd much rather have a child that just couldn't resist cuddles with mummy and daddy, than a child who was a real pro at sleeping through the night, you know?
I once read an article about how to keep the spark alive in your marriage once children came along. It condemned people who allow children into their bedroom, let alone into their bed. It counselled that your bedroom should be a sacrosanct place. Children should never feel like they can spend time in there with you. It also mentioned that when you are alone with your spouse, you should make a concerted effort to not talk about your children with them. Taking the last example, let's apply the question. What's the worst that can happen?? So you hardly ever talk about anything but the children you both made and love to death. So your time together is spent saying "Isaac would love that!"
Do you know WHY that happens? It's because your child is a part of the both of you.
Ieuan and I went away in the summer for the weekend, leaving Isaac with his Grandma and Grandad. It was the first time we'd done it and I had all sorts of inner crises going on. We had a wonderful weekend together. We talked about all sorts, but I don't mind telling you that the thing we talked about the most was Isaac. We love him more than I can tell you and we love talking about him. We love telling each other about things he's done that the other might not know about. We often spend a bit of time in the evenings after he's gone to bed, looking at the pictures we've taken that day, or pictures taken ages ago. We love talking about what we love about him, how we can help him, what we can do to encourage him etc. We. Love. Isaac. So, it seems only natural to me that talking about him alot will happen. What seems bizarre to me is the feeling that in doing so, we are somehow losing the spark in our marriage. I don't mind telling you that there is plenty of spark, and I honestly, truly believe it is because our love for our son, has increased our love for each other.
I was talking about this with a friend of mine recently and he said that a lot of the time, articles seem to suggest that somehow marriage and children are two separate things, and that in order to make a success of either, you should keep them separate, but, in my experience, that isn't the case, and when I imagine taking that stance, it makes me want to cry.
So, my motherhood truth is this. If the worst that can happen is not that bad, then do not stress. There's lots of wonderful advice and counsel. Only listen to it if there's something in your life that you want to change. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. What ain't broke to you, may well seem dysfunctional to other people, and that's ok, but you aren't parenting 'other people'. You are the mother or father of your own child. If it works, and you don't mind it that way, then don't worry. I like asking myself "what's the worst that can happen?" It helps me to adjust my perspective. I'm grateful that I had parents who didn't mind me coming in for cuddles after a bad dream. I love the memories I have of piling into my parents bed with my siblings.
When you look to outlaw a behaviour from your life, think about the ripple effects it might leave...you might find that you miss it, and the reason for might be that the worst that could happen really wasn't that bad after all.
