#7: Chances are, it's not them going through "a phase", it's you.
This is something I have come to realise very slowly over my 3 years as a mother.
My husband and I really are in this parenting thing together and, periodically, when we've noticed either a decline in Isaac's behaviour or noticed that the tactics and strategies we have in place are no longer working, we come together to 'zero our rifles', if you will, or to re-calibrate ourselves. Last night, sat in our bed before indulging in some treats, we felt the need to zero ourselves and talk about how things are going because we'd found that giving Isaac some time on the step to think, even if it was only a couple of minutes, only resulted in further mischief. Let's face it, what three year old really sits solemnly and contemplates their wrong doing? Being a helicopter is so much more fun!
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| My Dad lovingly tipping me into a bag of grass cuttings... probably because I was faffing around instead of listening. |
Just joking. But I must have still been much older than Isaac is now if I can remember it so clearly. So, if I struggled, how much more must Isaac, being 3, struggle to remember.
After a long talk, Ieuan and I decided that, right now in Isaac's life, our job isn't primarily to lay down the law, it's to be reminders of the law. Gentle, loving little shoulder angels whose purpose is to REMIND, not CONTEND.
We talked about how "sitting on the step" works for Isaac, but only when we sit with him, and talk with him about what's gone wrong and how we can help each other. We talked about how Isaac's behaviour is influenced incredibly by ours and the way we deal with the situations that arise. He's our child, after all, and is a product of us both....that process does not end after conception. It keeps on going as Isaac watches and follows our example, day after day, year after year.
The funny thing about those findings, is that that's the conclusion we come to after each "recalibration". Ieuan hit the nail on the head last night when he said....
"It's not Isaac, is it? It's us. We've forgotten what works, and we've stopped trying as hard as we should."
Inspired by that, I am pleased to say that today has been SOOOOO much better, and the reason is, I have no doubt, not because Isaac remembered what he was supposed to be doing, but because I did.
It's true. Children go through phases like they change their socks. But so do we. We get fired up, and determined to try something new that promises to improve things, but after a testing or busy period of time, we forget, and we spend our days exasperated because our children aren't listening to us. But the problem isn't them. It's us. We've forgotten how to talk to them. We've forgotten the tone of voice that gets them to listen and remember. We've forgotten to have the patience required to coax out their best selves. We've forgotten that we were once tiny people, full of spirit, volume and forgetfulness.
I learn so much, SO much on this parenthood journey, and even though there are discouraging times, I love having the opportunity to centre myself....to get rid of practises and attitudes that are no longer effective, and created a new atmosphere of love and learning in my home. The last 3 years have been nothing more glamorous than a case of serial trial and serial error, on our part, but it's been thoroughly enlightening. It doesn't always go well, but one thing we always tell Isaac is that with each 'tomorrow' comes the opportunity to try harder. That goes for me more than anyone!
So next time you have a rough day, and feel your child is out to get you....take a deep breath, and have the courage to say "It's not you, it's me". Rejoice in the blessing of a thousand tomorrows to get it right. Motherhood IS tough. But so are we. We can do it.
