Motherhood Truth #3- Be the Change

I have recently learned so much on my quest to be the best mother I can be. 

This is a picture of me and Daddy. This picture came to mind when I was pondering my motherhood truth 'Be the Change'. 

As a teenager, if something bothered me, my Dad would tell me to get off my backside and do something about it....in as many words. He always encourages me get up and go, even on days where my get-up-and-go well and truly got-up-and-left. Dad's no-nonsense attitude has transformed my life and become so much part of who I am that I often wonder how I would have developed without his tutelage. As such, I now think this way for myself, even if, often, it comes in the guise of my Daddy's voice in my mind. 

It is no great secret that motherhood can be hard. Sometimes, I feel tears prick my eyes and I feel that overwhelming desire to be the martyr of my own cause. I feel, innate in my character, is a desire to compete in the emotional athletic events of whose life is hardest, who has done more, worked harder, is most tired...yaddah yaddah yaddah. This may seem unlike me (I hope it does). The reason for that is simple. I hate that about myself, so I do all I can to NOT be that person. Some days, it never leaves the confines of my head, but occasionally, Ieuan will say to me "Darling, no one of us is more tired than the other. It's not a competition." And I realise that my thoughts slipped out through my mouth. Pesky critters. 

Anyway. On my constant quest of self improvement, I have come to truly treasure the concept that if you want to see change, you need to be that change. If you are dissatisfied, BE satisfied. So much of life is made up of simple choices that we choose to complicate...

Another lesson from Dad that illustrates this is as follows.... I remember, as a child, occasions where I wasn't as obedient as I should have been. In efforts to explain why I hadn't yet roused myself to the task I had been called to, my Dad would often tell me he wasn't interested in my excuses. I would often say "I'm sorry I didn't do what you said BUT...." and Dad would say to me "If you're really sorry, you wouldn't follow it with IF or BUT." At the time, I thought my reasons would provide me with mitigating circumstances, but more often than not, they genuinely didn't take away from the fact that I had actually been disobedient. So it is with life. The older I get, the more I am seeing how true that is. SO often, the circumstances of our lives are peppered with Ifs and Buts, as we feebly try to excuse why are lives are not exactly as we would have them be. Another thing I have learnt as I have grown is how much power I have to make my life amazing- to make it exquisite. 

Zooming back in now, I'd like to revisit motherhood, and my experience of it. Whilst I can make my life amazing, that does not change that there are moments of every day which are not amazing. The other night, I learnt from Isaac that kisses really do make everything a whole lot better. I was looking forward to an evening with Ieuan, some light reading etc. I had well and truly tired Isaac out and I was certain he would go to sleep quickly. He did not. Everytime he stood up and grumbled at me, I felt more frustration, as he seemed more awake than ever.
"I'm missing dinner". I thought. I could hear everyone laughing and eating and I dipped my toe into the mire of self pity as I reflected upon how many meal times I had missed that week. My toe acclimatised quite quickly, so my whole foot went in. "Goodness....I've got so much work to do this evening too. Bye-bye ME time."

Isaac continued to stand up and grumble. Something made me pull my foot out, shake it off, and listen. Clearly Isaac wanted something. Swallowing the huff that was rising from my lungs, and putting a smile on my face (another Dad thing) I went to him to find out what he wanted. 

He pointed to his chin and said "A Kiss". 

Throughout that night, he slept fitfully, and each time he grumbled, he would be pointing to his chin and asking for another kiss.

I don't know what his exact discomfort was, but knowing that he felt kisses would make it better warmed my heart and dried up that mire of self pity. I realised just how important it is to be responsible for quashing our own negativity, and to be responsible for our own happiness. Isaac knew what he needed to be happy. I, on the other hand, almost missed a precious opportunity to indulge in the exquisiteness of motherhood- something that makes me happy. Had I not stopped moping around, had I not literally gotten off of my backside, I would have completely missed it. And that makes me wonder...what else do I miss by wallowing in self pity? What moments pass me by when I buy into this desire to be a victim of my circumstances? 

Would I miss out on my child? On my husband? I know a desire to compete with each other...being intent on being seen to others as self-sacrificing, indulging constantly in negativity and busyness, has the potential to drive a real wedge between you and those you love most. During Family Home Evening the other night, my mother in law taught a lesson based on the premise of "Complete rather than Compete". If we focused more on completing others, especially our significant others...if we focused on their needs, and offered more kisses, more time, more understanding of THEIR sacrifices and THEIR hardships, I can guarantee that we'd have little to no time to dwell upon our own. I'm looking forward to being a better mother and wife. 

And I'm really looking forward to more kisses. 

Motherhood Truth #2- "But I'll miss him too."

A couple of months back, I started writing about my raw truths of motherhood, in an attempt to tell the truth about how wonderful motherhood really is, and to shed light on some songs that society isn't really singing out right now (read the post here- http://guytribe.blogspot.co.uk/2015/05/motherhood-truth.html )

My first motherhood truth was "It is exquisite".
#2 is this- Dads are exquisite too.

I feel like now would be a great time to write this post, having just enjoyed father's day and all, but also, in the world, there are lots of attitudes that are quite damaging to men and to the role of fathers and I want to stand on my little rooftop and shout to the world that DAD'S ARE NEEDED. THEY ARE IMPORTANT. THEY ARE ESSENTIAL.

And proudly, I say, I couldn't do what I do without my husband by my side. Of course, it goes without saying that I couldn't be the mother of my own child without my husband, but I also couldn't do any of the little things without Ieuan.

I'm stepping off the rooftop now, and onto the soapbox, so bear with me. I really, really resent it when women get on THEIR soapboxes and tell ME how I ought to be feeling as a woman in today's society. I am constantly reading material encouraging women to aspire to be more than just housewives and mothers. They say that we should compete with men. We don't need them. REAL women don't need men. We are strong enough without them. We can't allow them to be better than us in society. We shouldn't allow them to be more successful than us. One father's Day card that I read said "Husband....Today is your day to put your feet up and do nothing.....just like normal!"
When will it end? A beautiful quote I heard recently goes like this "You lift me, and I'll lift thee and we'll ascend together". THAT is what the world ought to be shouting.

Let me share a childbirth insight with you. After having Isaac, after he was resuscitated and worked on for 30 mins, after we held him for the first time, after he fed from me for 40 minutes, the midwife ran a bath for me. I sat in that bath, with a smaller stomach, wounds and punctures all over the place and the feeling that my insides were about to fall out. But. I have just given birth. I had just fed my baby. I had done it all with my husband by my side. As I bathed, Ieuan dressed Isaac.

  He put on the first tiny nappy, the first tiny vest, the first tiny babygrow, and all while I was soaking in the most blissful bath of my entire life- full of bubbles and euphoric satisfaction. While I was in there, I felt like a real woman. I had embraced what my body was meant/able to do- express love, create and deliver life and then sustain that life. And I felt like a real woman because my soul was getting ready to do what it was meant to do...raise and nurture that life with my husband by my side. Sadly, everything I am saying is pretty controversial at the moment, but I share it because these experiences have formed an essential part of the realisation of my identity; both as a woman and as the daughter of God that I know I am, and I know that this is how God designed it to be.


Now I say all of this knowing that not everyone enjoys the same blessings as I do. I have many friends who cannot have children of their own, but who bravely and resolutely embrace and enhance their gorgeous femininity in other ways and pour their efforts into being the best wife they can be, so that, if and when then time does come, they will be the best parents imaginable.
I also know something of marriages not working out. Happily, not through my own experience of marriage. I know that people don't always enjoy the ideal. But, if I may say, I have had a life peppered with not-ideals and I've learnt so much and enjoyed so many blessings from those experiences, and from having more parents than most to bless my life in their own ways. So, whilst I recognise that my experience of marriage and motherhood is not everyone's, I also recognise that blessings come in unexpected ways, and through great difficulties and trials of patience, we are given the most incredible experiences.

Having said all of that, I would now like to talk about why my Motherhood Raw Truth #2 is "Dad's are exquisite too".


Those of you who know me well, and certainly, those who knew me while I was dating, will know that I need little, or no encouragement at all to talk about Ieuan. I LOVE talking about him. I've known him for a long while now and I've loved him for almost as long, but I'm getting to know a new side to him now. The Daddy side. And with that, has come a real appreciation for just how much I need him.... I mean, I need him as my husband, and as my best friend... but I need him as Isaac's Daddy.

When I married this amazing man, I thought I couldn't possibly love him any more.

I really did. But then I had Isaac. I love Ieuan even more when I look at my little boy. And that love doubles when I see them both together. Really, motherhood is a long journey of loving and learning to love in different ways, and learning how to not burst when that love swells (another raw, exquisite truth right there). I'm still working on that last one.
I can't imagine raising Isaac without Ieuan. I can't imagine having had Ieuan in our lives and then losing him. The reason I find it so hard to imagine is not just because of the love I feel for him and my personal dependence on his love, but it's because of the love I know Isaac has for him and because I see fatherhood as completely essential.

As I have touched on, not every family is made up of the traditional, nuclear family. My own upbringing was a little interesting in that sense, but it's made me the person I am today and I have 4 parents whom I love dearly. My own father followed his own path when I was a toddler, a little older than Isaac is. For 4 years, I didn't have a father in my home. I don't remember much about my feelings during that time, but I do remember feeling very sensitive to my mother's needs. I wanted to help her as much as I could and I never wanted to say or do anything that would make her life harder. My mum remarried when I was 7 and from that point to this, I have enjoyed having a wonderful second Dad in my life. As much as I love my Father, and I really do, it is because of Daddy that I am who I am. I don't think I would be half the person I am without the JOINT parenting of my Dad and my Mum. Together, They created the right environment for learning, growing, loving, etc.  I think it would be easy to be anti-dad. and anti-man, having seen how admirably my mother did while she was on her own. But, having experienced both sides of things, I can tell you, Dad's are essential, and I know my Mum would say the same. I am grateful to be living in a traditional family set up right now. I'm grateful to be married and to have a partner in parenting.

The title for this post is inspired by a conversation Ieuan and I had regarding our summer plans. Ieuan works away in the summer and I go with him but always come back at various points. I am getting ready to spend a week back in Trowbridge to work, and as Ieuan and I were discussing plans, he said, "What will happen with Isaac during that week? Will you take him?"
"Of course I will! I'd miss him if not."
"......But I'll miss him too".

I realised in that moment that nothing in the world gave me any right to feel that I had a greater claim over Isaac. I assumed responsibility of Isaac because I am his Mumma, but Ieuan had been hoping for a look in because he is his Daddy. I was so incredibly touched by Ieuan's response and, more than ever, I realised that Parenting is an equal thing. If women want equality, look no further than a loving marriage with a man who loves being a Dad.

It's not just as a Daddy that Ieuan has supported me and helped me. Whilst I was taking some horrible medicine the other day, I said:
"Honey, please don't make me finish this!"
He said:  "You must finish it, Darling. Take it like a woman! Why isn't that a phrase? Women are brave too. Take it like the great women of history! Take it like Amelia Earhart! Take it like Florence Nightingale! Take it like Emmeline Pankhurst....you can do it, Darling. Take it like a Woman!"

I loved that! The last 8 years that I have known Ieuan, he has empowered me, encouraged me, supported me, consoled me, LOVED me. 

 And I know he will do so forever until I have become the very best version of myself. People tell you that having children puts strain on your marriage. "Sleep while you can!" they cry! "Your marriage will never be the same once kids come along", the experienced mothers say to you, with a wink. Boy were they right! Nothing had prepared me for just how much my marriage would change. I had no idea how infrequently we would get to watch movies- our evenings would be filled with gazing at our precious little creation. No one mentioned to me how much it would mean when your husband gets up to do the night duty, or does the washing up, or brings you a Kinder Bueno home, or flowers, or spontaneous cuddles in the kitchen....no one prepared me for the selfless acts of kindness, or the shared tender moments of learning that you go through as a couple as you prepare to look after a new, tiny life.  I had no idea I would love my husband so much more. No one told me how much more handsome Ieuan would be to me, or how much further I would fall in love with him, or how much more excited I would be for our future. I thought I wanted children with Ieuan when we got married. And then we had one. And now, I can't wait for the next, and the next, and the next. "Just wait til you have 2, or 3, or 4....." I can hear their voices on the wind. But I WILL wait until I have 2, and I will look forward to writing again about how much my capacity to love has increased ten fold, yet again, only this time, I won't be so surprised.  

So. In short, the world needs to recognise the value of Daddies, and stop undermining it and allowing it to be driven by the winds and whims of society.
Dads. Are. Exquisite. They are so important. I don't feel weaker as a woman for my reliance on Ieuan as a man. There is NOTHING. NOTHING that equally replaces a Mummy and a Daddy in a child's life. I couldn't be an effective Mummy to Isaac if I didn't have Ieuan being an awesome Dad by my side. Dads often have a bad rep and what the world doesn't tell you, is how amazing they can really be. So. Hug your Dads if you can, or ponder a favourite memory. Then, hug your husbands tight and tell them how much you love and appreciate them for partner and father they are.

Isaac tells Ieuan all the time how much he loves him. Often by a gorgeous little chest rub while they read their favourite story at bed time. I feel more blessed than I can say to have these two in my life.

As always, no days are perfect, (some days, it's all I can do to get dressed) but I think Ieuan IS perfect and so is Isaac and I know that by loving them with all I have and appreciating them, every day will have moments of exquisite beauty in them.

 In the words of Eponine and Fantine "To love another person is to see the face of God".